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Opinion

It’s all about the little things. Ambassador and Father Adam Fraser talks about positively parenting his daughters in 2018

According to the latest data from The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, 1 in 4 women (2.2 million) have experienced emotional abuse by a current or previous partner since the age of 15, and 1 in 6 women (1.6 million) have experienced physical and/ or sexual violence by a cohabiting partner since the age of 15. As a father of two girls, this fills me with fear and so much rage I want to scream at the world.

Because of this I constantly think to myself, how can I help prevent them from becoming victims of this silent epidemic? Yes, silent, because despite living in the 21st century, the supposed era of information, there is still a lot of secrecy around this issue.

As a parent, I see it as my duty and obligation to educate my daughters in a way that they will never accept any kind of abuse, let alone from a partner, the person that is supposed to love and cherish them above all. So, what do I do? Well, it’s all about the little things.

Positively Parenting Daughters | White Ribbon Australia

Break down traditional stereotypes

First of all, both my wife and I set an example for them of equality. By having a healthy relationship, where communication, respect and equality are key. We share and rotate between the different house hold tasks. Also, in our house dad does not ‘baby sit’ you, he parents you!

Why is this necessary? Even though we have made progress, we still live in a society where strong sexist stereotypes around the role and expectations of a man and a woman still exist. Breaking down these stereotypes is a critical step in relationships being more equal and functional.

Get rid of bullshit fairy tales

The vast majority of classic fairy tales have the female as the weak one who needs to be rescued by the male character. Yeah, not in our house! Those stories are banned and replaced by books with strong females. Books such as Strong is the new pretty and Good night stories for Rebel Girls are our staples.

One of my proudest moments was listing to my five-year-old discuss with her friends who their favourite rebel girl was (hers was Frida Kahlo) and how they didn’t like the latest peroxide blonde pop star because she wasn’t ‘rebel’ enough.

Don’t joke about chasing boys away

I used to do the traditional thing that dad’s do. Where we threaten to not let our daughters out of the house and that we’ll chase their boyfriends away. This dad joke sets up a combative relationship between their family and their chosen partner. Instead when my daughters talk about getting married or having a boyfriend, I talk to them about the qualities they should look for in a partner; kindness, compassion and thoughtfulness. I also talk about how beautiful relationships can be and what joys they will experience from a good one.

A partner is not the missing piece in your life

Another aspect I think it’s important to mention is that, even if we don’t realise that, we live in a world where there is still a lot of pressure for a woman to be in a relationship. Like it’s some sort of social achievement, and being single is just not okay. How many jokes about single women have you heard?! We don’t do that with men, so why do it with women? This attitude creates a mindset in women that it’s better to be in a bad relationship than be single.

Never come from a place of judgement

Heaven forbid that you have a child that finds themselves in an abusive relationship. But if they do, you want them to feel safe enough to turn to you for support. Judgement kills safety! When your children turn to you about a deep and emotional situation, you must make it a good experience. If they show vulnerability and you shame them or judge them or get angry, they will never do that again.

I am hopefully setting up an environment where my girls know they can talk to me about everything and I’ll always be there to listen. Which, if you think about it, will also help prevent them from becoming abuse victims, because they’ll know it’s okay to ask for help and that I’ll always be there to support them.

 

Author Dr Adam Fraser is a White Ribbon Australia Ambassador, speaker and peak performance researcher.

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